funny quotes 200+ Collections
funny quotes 200+ Collections
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funny quotes
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. —Mark Twain
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -Henry Kissinger
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey.
funny quotes
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. -Steven Wright
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.― Bill Cosby
I’m a huge fan of saying #you’re welcome” really loud when people don’t day thank you.
The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much. -Unknown
My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what’s funny, she said, ‘Everyone here is alive because I got laid.
funny motivational quotes
Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -Tom Lehrer
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart. —Erma Bombeck
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. – Robert Benchley
Don’t trip over what is behind you
Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. -Robert Downey Jr.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers
There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny. -Jon Macks
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin
The possible is just the impossible that we’ve come to accept. -Stewart Stafford
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. —Jerome K. Jerome
funny inspirational quotes
You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. -Jack London
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. -Winston S. Churchill
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! -Groucho Marx
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. -Charles Schulz
When you feel like stopping think about why you started.
When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. — Ron White
Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler
Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell. – Bill Copeland
funny quotes about life
Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I’m not dead. -Tom Stoppard
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. -Arthur C. Clarke
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. —Phyllis Diller
I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
When life puts you in tough situations, don’t say why me? Just say try me!
funny quotes about life
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. -Richard Dawkins
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
I don’t have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon’s bills are so high. -Rory R. Cuphist
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler
funny senior quotes
They asked me to write something. So here it is: Something. -Unknown
Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. It’ll soon be here.
My computer screen is brighter than my future.
Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together.
I’m gonna go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.” – Taylor Bass
A lot of girls didn’t like me this year, but their boyfriends did. – Stephany Esquivel
High school was easy. It was like riding a bike. Except the bike was on fire & the ground was on fire & everything was on fire because it was hell. -RANDEY CHUNG
Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously. – Gilbert Keith Chesterton
A lot of girls didn’t like me this year, but their boyfriends did.
funny friendship quotes
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. -Oprah Winfrey
Friendship is not about people who act true to your face. It’s about people who remain true behind your back.
Best friends they know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.
Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I’d rather be an idiot than lose you.” — Patrick from -Spongebob
Friends don’t let friends do stupid things… Alone. -Unknown
When I say I won’t tell anybody, my best friend doesn’t count. -Unknown
I know we’re friends because I can ask you for bail money. I know we’re true friends because you never asked why I needed your shovel.
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life! – coolfunnyquotes.com
Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person who made you cry.
One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.
short funny quotes
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – coolfunnyquotes.com
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. -Marc Maron
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood. – Bill Murray
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. —Jack Handey
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. -Unknown
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving definitely isn’t for you. ― Steven Wright
No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. – Ashleigh Brilliant
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now im scared!
funny christmas quotes
I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas. -Frank Butler
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. — Stephen Fry
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.
One important rule of Christmas; You can eat all the sweet candies as long as you don’t forget to brush your teeth. Merry Christmas!
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. – Author Unknown
I miss the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
The world has grown weary through the years, but at Christmas, it is young. – Phillips Brooks
No man is a failure who has friends. — It’s a Wonderful Life
We are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmastime.
funny movie quotes
I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!
Oh right, to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people…I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.
This building has to be at least…. three times bigger than this!
Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night. – All About Eve
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room! Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
In X-Men, when Storm spoke this victorious line right before defeating Toad.
They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!
Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in? — Harry Potter
I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? – Movie What a girl wants
funny office quotes
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. – Anonymous
I am running away from my responsibilities and it feels good. — Michael Scott
R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk — Dwight Schrute
Maybe we weren’t right together, but it’s weird. I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love? – Ryan Howard
I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. -PAM BEESLY
Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need like my need to be praised.
When Michael called Dwight an ignorant slut.
I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.— Michael Scott
funny best friend quotes
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -Bernard Meltzer
Friendship is not about people who act true to your face. It’s about people who remain true behind your back.
It doesn’t matter what you think of me, because my imaginary friends think I’m special.
Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’ outgoing, my Best friends knows that I’m completely insane. -Unknown
I know we’re friends because I can ask you for bail money. I know we’re true friends because you never asked why I needed your shovel
I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places. — Mark Twain
A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden.” — Unknown
Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected. Charles Lamb
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
Having a best friend is like having a sister. Even if you’re not blood, you choose to be family.
funny birthday quotes
I hope you celebrate your birthday the way you came into this world, naked and screaming!
I hope you have low expectations for your meal and cake this year, I hear dad’s having a go at being the chef. Happy Birthday!
Today is the oldest you have been, and the youngest you will ever be. Make the most of it!
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Now is the time to tell you what you truly are, friend! An old geezer!
funny birthday quotes
Happy Birthday! There may be a few more wrinkles in your birthday suit, but you’re still looking good!
Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life. – By Robert Southey
Birthdays are a new start, a fresh beginning and a time to pursue new endeavors with new goals. Move forward with confidence and courage. You are a very special person. May today and all of your days be amazing!
Blow the candles and dig into your birthday cake. Share a slice of the cake with me. Happy birthday!
It’s okay to light the candles on your birthday cake now; I’ve already alerted the fire department.
funny friday quotes
Friday sees more smiles than any other day of the workweek! —Kate Summers
Happy Friday! Here’s to all of us who made it through another week of faking adulthood. -Nanea Hoffman
But it’s Friday” is a valid excuse for almost anything today.
Youth is like a long weekend on Friday night. Middle age is like a long weekend on Monday afternoon. – Richard Nelson Bolles
Not for nothing is their motto TGIF – ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’ They live for the weekends, when they can go do what they really want to do. – Richard Nelson Bolles
funny friday quotes
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend.
Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays. -Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Friday is the favorite day of the week since exactly on this day all friends, relatives, and close people meet.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman
funny love quotes
Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly
You want to know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again.
If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. — Chelsea Peretti
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
funny love quotes
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. -H. L. Mencken
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. — Bill Maher
I love you with all my . I would say heart, but my are bigger. — Unknown
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz
funny work quotes
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. — Oscar Wilde
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. – Bertrand Russel
I told my boss 2 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric, and cable.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen
What I do not like about the office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. -John Gotti
My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job. -Ted Turner
funny mothers day quotes
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. – Tenneva Jordan
She really is the fairest of them all.
Motherhood is the exquisite inconvenience of being another person’s everything. —Unknown
Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you for always being the shining example of what I wanted to be like when I grew up!
Happy Mother’s Day to someone who carried me for 9 months physically and for 29 years financially!
Mom, you always say that there is a crisis: best wishes … My wishes end here. I have to save the jigs on Whatsapp!
The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kid didn’t finish.
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. ~Buddy Hackett
Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
funny thanksgiving quotes
If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.
I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the eons, it’s that you can’t give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.
Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving. – W.T. Purkiser
If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get. — Frank W. Clarke
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not. Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
I took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. —Phyllis Diller
Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well. — Voltaire
quote of the day funny
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. —Jack Handey
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day. —Rhea Butcher
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now im scared!
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch … I call it lunch.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. — Charles Schulz
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx
funny family quotes
The strength of family isn’t determined by the number of members, but rather by the amount of love given and received.
The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.
Erma Bombeck
My greatest fear is that my teenage child will do what I did during my own teenage years.
Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.
In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony. – Friedrich Nietzche
That’s right. I wouldn’t disappoint them if I was you!
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ― George Burns
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. – Ogden Nash
Being part of a family means smiling for photos.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. -W.C. Fields
funny good morning quotes
It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning. — H.G. Wells
I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, “aw s***, he’s up! -Steve Maraboli
funny good morning pictures With Images waking up and realizing you are still not rich
Good morning, Give your hands to serve and your hearts to love. — funny quotes and sayings
Today’s objectives are coffee and kindness.” “Perhaps two coffees, then kindness.” Nanea Hoffman is a writer who lives in New York City.
Life is full of stress and troubles. If you want to have a good day, don’t get off your bed. Keep sleeping until you die and stop life happening to you!
Morning not only forgives, it forgets.
Good morning clan! Now let’s straighten out all our astral body and assume a correct shit-no-attitude!
Good morning, my love! You are never as beautiful to me as you are in the morning. I think that’s because you haven’t read any news yet. Hugs to you and have a great day!
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed. -Anonymous
