350 Best Funny Quotes With Our Situations

In this article have a Lot of Quotes.  If you need a Funny Quotes  here is Different type of funny Quotes are here. These are funny quotes about life, funny love quotes, funny inspirational quotes, funny friendship quotes etc. Funny Quotes are lot of fun and enjoyable one.  visit this page of Funny Quotes Read and share your friends.

Funny Quotes

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” —Rodney Dangerfield

funny quotes and sayings

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn’t be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn’t be beauty, so the world needs you after all. – coolfunnyquotes.com

Some problems in the world seem to exist solely for women. Like not having anything to wear. – Chetan Bhagat

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

LIFE IS TOUGH WHEN YOU ARE ALWAYS TALKING TO PEOPLE SMARTER THAN YOU..

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

“I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.” —Unknown

funny quotes about life

Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.

People think I’m crazy. But I think of myself as normal with a twist of awesome.

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – by Robert Bloch

“The journey, not the arrival, matters.”

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.

“Never stop doing things for the first time.”

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” – by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

“I want to make memories all over the world.”

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately I often realize this after I’ve said them.

funny love quotes

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
Steven Wright

Let’s flip a coin. Heads, I’m yours. Tails, you’re mine.

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

My head and my heart will never cease their endless war. When my head says ‘I don’t care, my heart says ‘I do care’. When my head says ‘I’m not thinking about her, my heart says ‘of course you do.’

Love is blind, and then marriage opens your eyes.

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Lily Tomlin

“The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders”
Linda Festa

funny senior quotes

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” -Ankit Jain

“Now that you’ve graduated, just remember: Bosses don’t usually accept notes from your mother.” — Melanie White

“Cheaters never win, but I just graduated.“
Richard Gilot

Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

“A lot of girls didn’t like me this year, but their boyfriends did.” -Stephany Esquivel.

“Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.” – Mitchel Wieland

I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes – which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

“The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” – Unknown

“I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and to whoever invented copy and paste. Thank you.” -Stephanie Flores.

This is just iconic. Happy graduation and Pride month, everyone!

funny inspirational quotes

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin

“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.”

“Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” Jeffrey Gitomer

There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny.

“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” Mark Twain

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” -Dalai Lama

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”Terry Pratchett

“Think like a proton. Always positive.” Unknown

funny birthday quotes

One of the best pieces of advice in life is “you have to appreciate the little things”. That said, I know that spotting little things is easier said than done at your age! Happy Birthday!

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

As your friend, I am here to remind you of significant things! Like ‘always save money for retirement’!

Don’t let your age get you down, it won’t be long until you are allowed to start learning to drive. But until then, on your bike! Happy Birthday!

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.

They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much. – By Malcolm Cowley

Happy Birthday, you’re closer to seeing another century pass.

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Like many women my age, I am 28 years old. – By Mary Schmich

Happy Birthday to a friend who is unforgettable! Mainly because you are the grayest one here!

funny sex quotes

“Let’s settle this argument like adults: in the bedroom, naked.”

“You remind me of my pinkie toe… Sooner or later I’m gonna bang you on a table.”

A real woman is her man’s personal porn star.

“Sex is like math: You add the bed,subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don’t multiply.”

“Sex with you is so good that we should celebrate it by having sex.”

Let’s make love, then have hot dirty sex.

“The only BS I need in my life is Breakfast and sex.”funny sex quotes

“An orgasm a day keeps the worries away.”

“Men are a lot like infants,if you want to shut them up, put your boobs in their mouth.”

The art of seduction is knowing what she really wants and slowly giving it to her in a way that takes her breath away.

funny best friend quotes

“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.” — Unknown

“If I send you my ugly selfies, our friendship is real.” — Unknown

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.” – Charles Lamb

If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

“We will always be friend ’til we’re old and senile…then we can be new friends.” — Unknown

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things … alone.” — Unknown

Good friends don’t let their friends do stupid things alone.

“I will text you 50 times in a row and feel no shame. You’re my friend, you literally signed up for this.” — Unknown

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

funny friendship quotes

I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something. -Unknown

“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
Unknown

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. -Oprah Winfrey

“Friends become family, they care about you, they love to do crazy things and they always support you”

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

“Good friends will mourn your death; best friends will come and clean your computer history immediately after you die.” Unknown

“Friends become family, they care about you, they love to do crazy things and they always support you”

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -Bernard Meltzer

funny Christmas quotes

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”

He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly. -Andy Rooney

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. – Kin Hubbard

It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who is around it. – Anonymous

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red. – Anonymous

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown

funny happy birthday quotes

On your birthday don’t forget to set goals that are sky high, and spend the rest of the year miserably trying to build a rocket to get there.

“Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years. Happy birthday!”

Happy birthday! Can you believe we used to think people our age were adults and had their life in order?

“This birthday, I wish you abundant happiness and love. May all your dreams turn into reality and may lady luck visit your home today. Happy birthday to one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known.”

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

“Happy birthday! May your Facebook wall be filled with messages from people you never talk to.”

What are you so happy about? It’s your birthday and you are going to have to spend a lot of money to keep us happy. At least have fun doing it!

Old enough to know better…Young enough to still do it.

“Count not the candles…see the lights they give. Count not the years, but the life you live. Wishing you a wonderful time ahead. Happy birthday.”

You’re amazing, wise, super cool, fantastic, brilliant, intelligent – but don’t get too excited. I’m only saying all these things because I’m a couple of days late! Happy birthday!

funny motivational quotes

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” – Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips

The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much.

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. – Bob Thaves

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.”

I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. – Cassandra Duffy

funny good morning quotes

There are two types of people on this earth: the early people and the people who want to shoot early risers. Good Morning!

If you want to gain health and beauty, you should wake up early Good morning

Hello, I am the morning fairy. I just dusted you with joy and luck. Now laugh and be happy. Do you know how expensive that is? Good Morning!

“I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen”

Wishing you a very happy rainy season and lots of love

Good morning clan! Now let’s straighten out all our astral body and assume a correct shit-no-attitude!

Good morning has moved, he now lives with good mood and beautiful day in a country before our time.

“If laziness was an Olympic discipline, I would be fourth so I do not have to get on the podium. Good Morning!”

“Good morning! Wishing you a day full of sunny smiles and happy thoughts.”

“I need to get up – my coffee needs me.”

funny life quotes

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein

“Pessimists are usually right and optimists are usually wrong but all the great changes have been accomplished by optimists.” ― Thomas L. Friedman

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” Elbert Hubbard

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.” – Helen Keller

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

funny relationship quotes

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

If anyone asks me “what is hell?” I would answer “Distance between two people who love each other.”

In true love, the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.

In true love, the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers

funny quotes about love

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That is your common sense leaving your body.

Make you sure you tell your partner how much you love him every day for you’ll never know when you’ll find somebody better.

Will you lend me a kiss? I promise to give it back.

If love is a blunder, then it means that the biggest fault in my life is loving you.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx

My heart only skips a bit for two reasons: one, when I am facing a difficult enemy in a game and two, when you say my name.

Marriage does not only require you to deal with expenses and the toilet seat, you also have to deal with feelings and the last resort, the lawyers.

If someone says you are lovely, cute or pretty, always remember that love is blind.

Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly

funny quotes about friends

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.

When Jessica Biel becomes pregnant, I hope she names her child “Mo”.

If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal.

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.”

If you are funny, you are automatically 75% more probable that we are friends. You know, many things change and fade, but sarcasm is forever.

“Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes.”

I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship.

“Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.”

funny friend quotes

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person who made you cry.”

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one! – C.S. Lewis

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

“A true friend stabs you in the front, not the back.”

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”

funny friday quotes

Every Friday, I like to high five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, will power, and inappropriate humor.

Contrary to what the fans may think, you don’t just show up, wear a striped shirt, and a whistle on Friday night. – Jim Mitchell

Tonight’s forecast, 99% chance of wine.

“If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” —James Johnson

“If you must have the motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.”

“Oh! It’s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week, In a worthy moment of peace and bliss.“ S. O’ Sade

Friday called. She’s on her way and she’s bringing the wine.”

“Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.” –Unknown

“Have a fabulous Friday, Darlings!”

It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday. – American Proverb

funny spongebob quotes

When Patrick was the world’s worst receptionist.

No one can change a person, but someone can be a reason for that person to change. – Spongebob

When the narrator was 6000% done and quit the show.

Firmly grasp it in your hand.

“Can I be excused for the rest of my life?”

If you believe in yourself and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true. – Spongebob

“The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma”

“I’ll have you know that I stubbed by toe last week and only cried for 20 minutes.” – Spongebob

“Sometimes we have to go deep inside ourselves to solve our problems.” – Patrick Star

“Sometimes we have to go deep inside ourselves to solve our problems.” – Patrick Star

funny minion quotes

“Steal me the crown, and all your dreams come true. Respect power!” – Scarlet Overkill

Honestly, I’m an angel. The horns are just there so my halo sits straight.

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

“This is torture! Guys, cut it out! This is really unprofessional!” – Herb Overkill

I’m not one to brag… but i made it out of bed!

Mess with me? I’ll let karma do its job. Mess with my family or friends? I become karma!

“We were born with flippers! … No? Just me? Okay.” – Frankie Fishlips

I never make the same mistake twice……

My diet plan: make all my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look.

“Mi bellas!” – Stuart

funny work quotes

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

” It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. “

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis

“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower

” I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. “

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen

“Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.” — Anonymous

” The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​” — Stanley J. Randall

funny donald trump quotes

“As long as you are going to be thinking anyway, think big.” ― Donald Trump

I’ve always won, and I’m going to continue to win. And that’s the way it is. Donald Trump

“Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the ability to act effectively, in spite of fear.” Donald Trump

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

‘People love me. And you know what? I’ve been very successful. Everybody loves me.’

“I’ve read hundreds of books about China over the decades. I know the Chinese. I’ve made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind.” ― Donald Trump

‘I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.’

“I don’t like losers.” Donald Trump

birthday quotes funny

One of the best pieces of advice in life is “you have to appreciate the little things”. That said, I know that spotting little things is easier said than done at your age! Happy Birthday!

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” —Oprah Winfrey

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” —Ogden Nash

Wishing you a happy early birthday so I don’t have to remember it later.

Happy Birthday, you’re closer to seeing another century pass.

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.” —Harold Coffin

Happy Birthday to someone I care about enough to not ignore their birthday reminder on Facebook.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.

Remember when we stayed up late running from the law? No? Good. I don’t either. Happy Birthday oldie!

funny yearbook quotes

Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. It’ll soon be here.

“This is nothing but a hive, and I am the one and only Queen Bee.” – Brian A Castle

Teamwork makes the dream work.

What can I say about school? I laughed. I cried. It was fun.

“All through my senior year, luckily, I didn’t have too many hard classes, just a lot of electives. I was able to spend most of my time at the practice space.” – Brendon Urie

Here’s a lesson: It is never too late to start trolling yourself.

“Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.” – Mitchel Wieland

funny sister quotes

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

Siblings are like sour patch candy. They are sour and sweet, all in one go.

“When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us?” – Pam Brown

“Your sister’s advice (solicited or unsolicited), carries weight.” – Lorraine Bodger

You my sister are always there for me, and on your birthday I just want to say thank you!

“A sister is both your mirror—and your opposite.” – Elizabeth Fishel

“We are sisters. If I am mad at someone, you are mad at them, too. End of story.” – Unknown

“A sister is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway.”

“When traveling life’s journey it’s good to have a sister’s hand to hold on to.”

“A sister will let you know when the outfit you’re trying on really doesn’t look fabulous.”

short funny quotes

My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.”

The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable. ~ Quentin Crisp

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.

No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. – Ashleigh Brilliant

I don’t have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon’s bills are so high.

Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. – M. Berle

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.”

funny thanksgiving quotes

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White

“Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside.” – Willard Scott

“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.”

The reason we love funny Thanksgiving quotes is because they actually reflect real life pretty well. Especially this one.

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin

“No one diets on Thanksgiving. What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” – Erma Bombeck

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller

“What if, today, we were grateful for everything?” – Charlie Brown

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.’”

Don’t let these funny Thanksgiving quotes fool you; leftovers are one of the best parts of the holiday.

funny quotes with pictures

Some problems in the world seem to exist solely for women. Like not having anything to wear.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.

You say I’m dirty mind, but how did you understand what I meant?

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!

funny dog quotes

“In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” — Edward Hoagland

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy

“Life without a dog is like an unsharpened pencil. It has no point.”

“If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” — Will Rogers

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.”

“Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.” -Jodi Picoult

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

happy birthday funny quotes

They say you lose your mind as you grow older… what they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it much!

“I will sing Happy Birthday to you so much you’ll wish you’d never been born … Happy Birthday!”

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

Age is not important unless you’re a cheese. – Helen Hayes

You’re a really hard individual to shop for… so I didn’t get you anything. Happy birthday!

If I tried to count up to your age today, I would go hoarse! Happy Birthday, buddy!

“You were born on this date so we are going to put fire sticks in baked goods and sing at you while you sit there awkwardly.”

I believe you forgot my birthday present last year, so now I’m returning the favor. Happy Birthday!

“Happy Birthday to my best friend. Without our conversations, my therapy bills would be outrageous.”

Now is the time to tell you what you truly are, friend! An old geezer!

funny monday quotes

“Mondays take a little more coffee and a lot more mascara.”

Hey I know it’s Monday but it’s also a new day, a new week, and in that lies a new opportunity for something special to happen.

That awkward moment when you wake up and think it’s a weekend, but it’s a Monday.

“I whisper “What the fuck?” to myself at least 20 times a day on Monday”

It’s not bad if you start the day with a grateful heart and do what you really love.

“Monday checklist: coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.”

If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.

Your Monday morning thoughts set the tone for your whole week. See yourself getting stronger, and living a fulfilling, happier & healthier life.

“Dear Monday. I think you should take a holiday! Trust me. No one will miss you!”

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.

funny picture quotes

From biscuit to brides, if there is anything their children really want, parents have a problem.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That is your common sense leaving your body.

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Tallulah Bankhead

I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Especially when I am all alone with you!

Don’t do drugs, don’t have sex, and don’t touch your eyebrows.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

funny animal quotes

Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad idea.

Kissing originates from animals sniffing each other.

If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code? – Guy Endore-Kaiser

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts.” —John Steinbeck

The dogs were really keening now, like Irish widows.

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” — Rodney Dangerfield

They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins;

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

We are certainly in a common class with the beasts; every action of animal life is concerned with seeking bodily pleasure and avoiding pain.

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones

funny fathers day quotes

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.”

“Everyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.” – Wade Boggs

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner

“THE OLDER I GET, THE SMARTER MY FATHER SEEMS TO GET.” — TIM RUSSERT

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

“He’s awesome. But you know what they say, ‘Like father, like daughter.'”

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” – Tim Russert

“RAISING KIDS MAY BE A THANKLESS JOB WITH RIDICULOUS HOURS, BUT AT LEAST THE PAY SUCKS.” – JIM GAFFIGAN

“If at first you don’t succeed, call Dad.” – Anon

funny anniversary quotes

For Marriage to Be a Success, Every Woman and Every Man Should Have Her and His Own Bathroom. The End.

“Happy anniversary my love. Eat all the leftovers again and I will end you.”

“Let’s celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me. It was a lost cause anyway. Happy Anniversary.”

“It’s remarkable how long we’ve tolerated each other.”

Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.

We have a love-hate relationship – we love one another and hate to be without each other. I’ll follow you wherever you go my Love.

“Congratulations on choosing a spouse who makes you look sane.”

Today we recognize and celebrate one of the greatest achievements of all time — your staying married to me for X years! Happiest of Anniversaries.

“If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me.” – Frida Kahlo

“On our anniversary, let’s not look back at the memories we’ve made, rather let’s look ahead at all those that are yet to come. Happy 1st anniversary.”

funny marriage quotes

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.”

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash

The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
– Oscar Wilde

“Such a mad marriage never was before.”

The most important four words for a successful marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word. – Janet Periat